Stu's totally out of context 'Game of Thrones' Review | Episode 5

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The following is part of an ongoing experiment by Glenn Beck program heartthrob, Stu Burguiere, to begin watching Game of Thrones in its final season, without any previous context. Other than highlights shown in commercials, Stu has never seen a second of Game of Thrones, and has never read a word about its characters or plot lines.

PREVIOUSLY on Game of Thrones: it seems like all the people who hated each other but then started working together, now hate each other again.

WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS THIS WEEK!

- I think I missed last week's episode, but it's possible the opening credits have just been playing since last week, and I joined at the right time

- Uncle Fester is writing a letter

- Angry Elf is still alive

- Uncle Fester and John Snow(?) are saying their queen doesn't want to eat and shouldn't be left alone

- John Snow doesn't want to be king?

- Queen Blondie has a nice open air balcony with a sweet view

- Angry Elf apparently needs to ask Queen Blondie's permission before doing things, she must have a higher rank

- Uncle Fester burns his letter and hides his ring

- Uncle Fester brought to the beach at night

- Queen Blondie's name is Denarys! (or similar!)

- Uncle Fester sentenced to death by dragon fire breath

- There is some hidden truth about John Snow (maybe he's transitioned?)

- Queen Blondie and John Snow make out because the time immediately after burning a man to death is very romantic

- If some city rings bells, Queen Blondie will stop the attack

- "Next time you fail me, will be the last time you fail me" says Queen Blondie to Angry Elf

- Not a lot of smiling going on in this region

- Angry Elf tries to tell Obi Wan Kenobi a secret, which is difficult because of their height difference

- Frumpy Girl wants to kill Sercy?

- Someone known as the "Stupidest Lannister" is in prison

- Stupid Lannister gets freed by Angry Elf, going to do something to stop a lot of innocent people from dying

- "Tens of thousands of innocent people for one not so innocent dwarf. Seems like a fair trade"

- Angry Elf gives emotional speech to Stupid Lannister who was the only person around who was nice to him as a kid. A little middle school drama.

- Stupid Lannister has gold hand

- Doors to break into castle has disturbing amount of space between them

- 2 big armies stare each other down. At this point, it's important to note that I don't know why they're fighting or who they are

- Queen Love Child of Mick Jagger and Robin Wright makes an appearance

- Dragon versus old times wooden boats proving to be a bit of a mismatch

- Seems like instead of making lots of crossbows, these people should put their resources into dragon development and recruiting

- Dragon proves that my concern about the space between the doors was misplaced

- Unclear why they even bother to send an army when they have the dragon

- Queen Blondie is riding a dragon again. She should spend time making a saddle to make it easier

- Bells in the city ring, which is supposed to stop an attack—even though it's kind of already happened

- My interpretation is the people in the city surrendered, but Queen Blondie kept attacking, killing lots of people for no reason

- This horrifies John Snow and Angry Elf. Queen Blondie has gone dark… not with the hair, but with her murderous tendencies

- Considering all the stabbing and beheading, the dragons flame might be the preferable way to die

- Stupid Lannister is fighting with the lead singer of Coldplay,who apparently swam to safety following near direct hit from dragon

- Stupid Lannister gets himself stabbed

- Queen Mick Jagger/Robin Wright finally figures out she's going to lose and leaves her fancy tower

- Coldplay Lead Singer gets stabbed too. Stupid Lannister's name is possibly Jim Lannister?

- Frumpy Girl contemplates getting revenge on someone, maybe the Queen. Then thanks tall guy named Sandor or maybe Sandle

- Sandle's brother is a guard for the Queen. He kills the Queen's assistant so he can fight Sandle

- Big guard guy looks like Darth Vader without his helmet

- Stupid Lannister has connection Mick Jagger/Robin Wright Queen. She's in a very desperate place, similar to Robin Wright when she married Sean Penn

- Giant Darth Vader without his helmet gets stabbed with long sword, seems to enjoy it

- Again, since the dragon has done all the work, why did they send all these important people into this city?

- Frumpy Girl getting trampled, keeps getting saved at last second, indicating she's an important character

- Giant helmet-free Darth Vader gets stabbed a dozen times or so without dying, so his brother, now without eyes, tackles him off the side of the castle, probably killing them both

- Very dusty with the buildings all collapsing around them. Feels like there could be some fertile ground for the mesothelioma lawyers of the time

- Stupid Lannister and Mick Jagger/Robin Wright Queen escaping in underground tunnel

- Underground tunnel is no longer a tunnel

- Frumpy Girl really mourning lady who helped her up in previous scene

- Everyone is charred, but a horse inexplicably totally fine

- Again, Frumpy must be a big character for all of these nice coincidences to happen to her

This article originally appeared on Glenn Beck

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